So i’ve been released from the obligation of a positivity list. apparently, it’s hard for many people in therapy, now i’m solely tasked with attempting a mental reminder of something positive at the end of the day. apparently it helps to rebuild pathways in the brain. continued mental interruption, positive reinforcement and ‘talking back’ to the negative thoughts are all supposed to help build these pathways as well. that’s what my doctor says… and my DBT counsellor.
it’s times like these i wish i wrote poetry
i pound into a keyboard as it seems the only available coping mechanism i have at the moment. i used to drink, but that gave me horrific consequences i’m not willing to engage in anymore. i have an exposure now which involves me continually listening to a 2 second recording of my doctor saying a word i hate. a word i can’t speak. a word i can’t write unless the letters are very far apart, a word i can’t read without feeling the panic grip my chest. i word i can’t hear without fighting off the urge to break down and cry, but i won’t give myself the release.
now i have to listen to it over and over again everyday and rate how i feel. …and it makes me want to throw the table across the room. i’ve been living with this for 5 years now, i’ve been committed to dealing with it for 6 months and i feel like i’m only now going down this road. what the FECK have i been doing? i knew this was coming, but suddenly hearing it stated in my ear by any voice that isn’t my own inside my head inspires me to claw my skin off. its as if i’ve suddenly involved someone else, i’m about to suffer the horrific consequences of breaking the silence on a deadly secret and every survival instinct i have in my head is screaming at me to stop.
i see nothing but failure around me. i see unhappiness and destruction in the wake of my footsteps. i see stress and anxiety cast upon those in my presence and it makes me want to be invisible.
Recovering the Path from Ireland to Life 